A Chicken of Merit

When life gives you lemons, stuff them up a bird's butt.

I promised recipes long ago, but I’ve been hiding them, somewhat, at the bottom of the page, under the essays, well after you’ve already tuned out. So before it goes stale, here’s the all-important chicken recipe that’s so easy, even a toddler can make it.

I mean, she’s a smart toddler. But she’s still a toddler.

Easy Roast Chicken

Ingredients:

• 1 5ish pound chicken, does not need giblets

• 1 large onion (or two small ones)

• 4 carrots

• 1 bulb fennel, if you can find it

  If you can’t, 4 stalks celery

• Fresh thyme, available in the grocery produce department

• Fresh rosemary (ditto)

• 1 head of garlic, cut in half crosswise

• 1 large lemon (or two small ones), cut into quarters

• 4 tablespoons of butter, melted then cooled to room temp

• Kosher salt

• Black pepper

• Olive oil

Preheat oven to 425.

Open your chicken, remove any included internal organs, rinse inside and out, remove any remaining feathers (not sure how I always get feathers, but I do, even with the corporate chickens), and dry well (if you don’t dry the outside, it won’t crisp to golden).

Chop your fennel (or celery — I picked the fennel up from Barefoot Contessa and it complements the chicken better, I think, but either vegetable will work), carrots, and onion and place into a large roasting pan. If you don’t want to later clean the roasting pan, Reynolds makes really nice disposable ones. I prefer a decent, reusable roasting pan with two parts: a pan and a rack. That is a pricier one, but you can buy something similar for around $30 at Wal-Mart and Amazon, and it’s useful for basically everything, including lasagna, desserts, and bread. This is mine.

Toss vegetables with enough olive oil to get a nice coat on everything and mix the veggies, drop 10-20 stalks of the fresh thyme on top of the veggies, add a couple of stalks of rosemary (you only need a little, the flavor will be strong).

Sprinkle salt and pepper liberally inside the chicken cavity, stuff your chicken with the lemon quarters, both halves of the garlic, and more fresh thyme. Don’t be afraid of the chicken’s inside, just stuff it all up in there. She’s dead, she doesn’t care that your hand is up her butt. If you have cooking twine, pull the drumsticks up and tie them together so that everything remains inside the chicken.

Now, the outside of the chicken.

Take your melted butter and paint it all over your chicken. First, do the underside. Paint with butter, then sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper. Flip the bird. Paint with butter, continue painting with butter. Add whatever butter is left. Sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper.

Place the chicken on the roasting rack, place the rack on top of the veggies, place the whole thing in the oven for 1 and 1/2 hours.

Side Dishes.

For a family dinner, I usually serve this with a side and a salad.

Roasted Potatoes

Easiest potato recipe I know: chop red or russet potatoes into cubes, skin on (or skin off if you have a toddler, because the skin cannot be consumed by said toddler for reasons unknown to the universe). Place chunks in large bowl, pour on olive oil, add kosher salt, black pepper, and garlic powder. Toss to coat. Add more salt and pepper if you can’t see the salt and pepper on the tossed potatoes.

Dump your potatoes onto a baking sheet and spread into a single layer. Place whatever leftover rosemary you had from the chicken on top of the potatoes in a nice arrangement. When the chicken has 45 minutes left, pop the potatoes into the oven with the chicken. Turn halfway if you or your children get antsy when something is brown on only one side.

Salad

I make this like everyone eats it but only I do. Sometimes my daughter will try a vegetable and spit it out, just to say she ate the salad.

Cut two cucumbers in half lengthwise, then slice. Halve a cup of cherry tomatoes. Toss together. Sprinkle on salt and pepper, toss again, add olive oil and balsalmic vinegar or red wine vinegar to taste. If you want to get really fancy, sprinkle parsley over the top.

Make sure you’re subscribed for more recipes (Wednesday), my weekly essay on home life (Friday), and an upcoming series in which I teach you how to be an adult, which is ironic because I do not believe I am one yet.

Happy eating!