I have never been personally opposed to rodents but for some reason we’re beefing on a cosmic level and I’ve lost two major battles. One took my car. The other took my sanity.
Many of you may remember that two-ish years ago, squirrels totaled my minivan. It was right at the start of this fair blog, so I don’t blame you for missing that incredible life update, but suffice it to say, a child left a door open on the minivan overnight, a whole clan of rodents moved in and chewed through seatbelts, floorboards, the antenna wire to the satellite radio, and, eventually, the little wire that ensures an airbag goes off when you crash.
At the time, I thought it was an oversight on their part; someone told me, offhandedly, that the wires are sometimes coated in a soy-based protectant that rodents find delicious. But I now know it was a concerted effort to kill me. Because they tried again.
If I was in a notably bad mood yesterday, it's because I was attacked and bitten by a squirrel while going about routine chicken business. I showed up to the coop in the morning, a furry gray demon was noshing on the chickens’ food. I made an effort to shoo it out of the coop. The dog, taking this as an invitation to play a “squirrel game” decided to get in on the action. The squirrel freaked out, jumped on the nearest thing that was taller than the dog (me), and then once it realized it had aligned itself with another predator, sank its obnoxious little front teeth into the middle finger on my left hand.
In response, I screeched and flung the squirrel off my finger and out of the coop, at which point the dog, which is apparently fine with chasing things that are inside the chicken coop but not outside of the chicken coop, stared at me blankly, refusing to clean up the mess I’d made by doing its natural duty and exterminating my sworn enemy.
Not her job, apparently.
The chickens chased it for a while but probably just to phone it in so they’d look good compared to the dog.
If you think being bitten by a rodent is painful, though, it’s nothing to compared to explaining to urgent care staff that you’ve been bitten by a squirrel, especially when the bite occurred during a rare interaction between myself and wildlife that was not voluntary. I’ve cuddled opossums. I seek out companionship from animals that prefer the company of garbage. I would absolutely have a squirrel for a pet if one volunteered. But this was a rare case in which I wasn’t trying to befriend a wild animal! I mean, sure, is this injury on brand? Absolutely. But, like, I would much rather admit that I was trying to save it from the jaws of my dog than admit that I got trapped with it in a chicken coop and screamed for my life while it gnawed off my finger.
Obviously, there’s very little urgent care hasn’t seen. I live in a medium-sized city, in a gentrifying neighborhood. No shortage of alcohol poisonings, bad trips, and open festering wounds, even on Sunday. But it turns out not a single one of them had seen a squirrel bite. Which is why the entire staff of a medical facility turned up when I walked in the door. They wanted to know if it was a pet or if I’d been feeding it, and no, for once I was not playing Aging Millennial Woman Roulette with local wildlife.
For the record, squirrels are not known to have rabies, thank God. But they are known to carry a handful of other diseases that can kill humans, and while many have expressed concern that I could one day be bitten by my rescue pit bull (that can’t face off against an animal that isn’t inside of a fence or stuffed and runs screaming from chihuahuas), it turns out that while pit bulls have a bite PSI of around 230 (not that my pit bull is biting anything in the 6 hours a day she’s even awake), squirrels have a bite PSI of upwards of 5,000, and now I’m in a splint in case it cracked my bone open like a walnut. I’m also armed with a prophylactic round of antibiotics and a fresh TDaP vaccine because why not ruin the rest of my week in addition to Sunday.
Anyway, you signed up for a newsletter about life on this bizarre little mini-farm, and it turns out that includes rodent bites. On a real farm, people get real injuries. On a hobby farm in East Nashville, they tangle with squirrels.
I have packrats that like to eat the wiring in my sons car. I’ve started using covered “tunnel traps” to catch them. Also works on squirrels, but doesn’t catch larger critters (like dogs). Highly recommend.
You are so funny. Love your writing!