Tradwife Tutor: Your Tuesday Crash Course in Grandma Skills

Running a little house in the big city

I’m not a tradwife. I mean, I don’t really think that requires any further explanation. Biblically or otherwise. But I do love Grandma Skills, and I’m not terribly bad at them, unless you count what happened in my kids’ playroom, which we’ll talk about later. I promise. I know you all want to know what happened in there.

And if you don’t, you will when you see the photos.

Anyway, I’m popping up here to let you know that content will be schedule-based, and on Tuesdays, I’m going to do the impossible: teach you the quaint, outdated tricks of the homemaking trade in one short essay with photos (and perhaps audio and video once I can have a computer my children don’t immediately destroy).

What your mother failed to teach you, I will lovingly impart. Need to make pasta? We’re on it. Fold a fitted sheet? That’s next week. Clean something that looks like it should be reported to health and human services? I can do that, too, even if I don’t really want to and take four months to get up the courage to even walk through the door.

Wednesday, I’ll give you updates on the garden and homestead and take you on a journey with me through the second season of magic and madness. We got two new non-productive chickens this week, but more importantly, we’re beginning the planning process for our food garden. After a spectacular failure at seed germination last year, we’re going to fail again save ourselves hundreds of dollars by starting our seeds from scratch yet again. Only 285 days from germination until we see our first asparagus, so get absolutely pumped.

Thursday, I’ll share recipes, though I can’t promise that I make much of a food blogger. My goal is to give you insight into how I get my kids involved in the cooking process, how I try to turn meals into family time, and how to fruitlessly attempt to impress your own children with homemade chicken nuggets. I’m not a processed food person, which I’ll explain, because I wasn’t raised with processed food — to me, the idea that anyone would use margarine is as confusing as 11th grade precalculus. It’s not food. And we’re only going to use food. Because swapping out an artificial coloring agent in a processed food for a natural coloring agent in a processed food isn’t actually making you healthier. But cooking will!

I mean, I make no promises. My mom did make me promise not to give away her ravioli filling, though, and I’m still torn about keeping that one. And if I’ll sell out my mother, you’ve got no chance.

Friday, I’ll give you that explanation on the playroom you’ve always wanted in what will eventually become the free newsletter portion of this show. While I won’t be charging for content just yet and I promise to give you plenty of warning before that happens, it will have to happen eventually because I’m still middle class and I won’t be able to compete with Martha Stewart or Ina Garten until I have that Hamptons summer home.

Next Tuesday, then, let’s learn how to fold a fitted sheet. And feel free to leave a comment on what you’d like to learn (even if you’re older than me, I don’t care. Mentally, I’m in retirement. Except that my real plan for retirement involves bottomless tequila at the Margaritaville 55 and Better Community.