I completely understand what you mean by "What I didn’t understand about PTSD is that any trauma qualifies, and that you don’t always have the symptoms that you see on television." We experienced a very traumatic adoption situation. And even years removed from it now, I can hear or even smell something that takes my right back to that place of anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I also understand what you mean about writing helping you to process your experience. I wrote a blog of our adoption experience. And it really did help, even if only 2 people ever read it. Praying for you!
Love you. I crashed in December 2019 after a year and a half of various forms of hell. I barely remember one of my kid’s first year of life. Then Covid hit and it really took until about March of this year to start feeling *healed* ... but it happened and is still happening on the daily. I really don’t understand life sometimes, but it does go on. We just gotta fight to go with it.
"It’s a big job, but writing this, for you — for me — helps."
I've found that often the things that I write for me, or do, for me, are the things that all the most meaningful, or provide the most, to others - whether it's comfort, knowledge, support, or just understanding.
Now, just keep the kitten fur out of the sourdough. Toddler germs bake right out anyways (says the voice of experience - father with two daughters away in college).
I’m so sorry for your losses! I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been and still is to deal with. Trauma does terrible things to people. I’m glad you’re able to deal with it now and wish you all the best in your journey. I pray that your heart and soul can heal and you DO rediscover the joy and peace you deserve. We are all worthy of joy and peace, even if it isn’t there all the time, we should be able to have it in our lives. God bless you and keep you in his arms, in Jesus’ name, Amen!
Thank you Emily for sharing. Beautiful and moving in its heartbreaking-ness. I was just thinking yesterday, YESTERDAY, why grief is so hard and why nightmares persist in this world. Beauty might be all around us, but sometimes it stays around. My faith, although steadfast, is Peter's faith. When Jesus asked him (when all around were grumbling and walking away) "Do you want to leave too?" Peter answers: where could we go? You alone have the words of eternal life. You are the Holy One of God. (John 6:68). I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain of losing a little one EVER, not the least in such a traumatic way. Still, I have to believe that God held that baby. I believe with all my heart that God saw your little one (Jeremiah 1:5), knew your little one (Psalm 139), and because little children hold the keys of the kingdom, (Luke 18:16) that the angel charged with watching over that sweet baby sees the face of the Father in heaven (Matthew 18:10) Prayers for strength and healing!
That's how I felt it. Not flashbacks, but there are two months of the year where I am very introverted and just want those months to be "over." There is still a place I can't bear to think about going into or visiting.
😎 ‘You got this.’ Take a deep breath, get a drink, go sit on the porch and relax. Sure John, like three little ones will take a momentary break simply to let Emily rest. Lol lol what was I thinking. Just remember, surviving till bed time is a win! 😬🫠🥴
Emily this is heart wrenching and beautifully written. Thank you for writing your story. When I miscarried one thing that got me thru was an Andrew Peterson album called The Burning Edge of Dawn. It put a lot of my faith doubts and sadness into words. I’m praying for you and your family.
I completely understand what you mean by "What I didn’t understand about PTSD is that any trauma qualifies, and that you don’t always have the symptoms that you see on television." We experienced a very traumatic adoption situation. And even years removed from it now, I can hear or even smell something that takes my right back to that place of anxiety, fear, depression, etc. I also understand what you mean about writing helping you to process your experience. I wrote a blog of our adoption experience. And it really did help, even if only 2 people ever read it. Praying for you!
Love you. I crashed in December 2019 after a year and a half of various forms of hell. I barely remember one of my kid’s first year of life. Then Covid hit and it really took until about March of this year to start feeling *healed* ... but it happened and is still happening on the daily. I really don’t understand life sometimes, but it does go on. We just gotta fight to go with it.
"It’s a big job, but writing this, for you — for me — helps."
I've found that often the things that I write for me, or do, for me, are the things that all the most meaningful, or provide the most, to others - whether it's comfort, knowledge, support, or just understanding.
Now, just keep the kitten fur out of the sourdough. Toddler germs bake right out anyways (says the voice of experience - father with two daughters away in college).
You write beautifully. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so poignantly.
I’m so sorry for your losses! I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been and still is to deal with. Trauma does terrible things to people. I’m glad you’re able to deal with it now and wish you all the best in your journey. I pray that your heart and soul can heal and you DO rediscover the joy and peace you deserve. We are all worthy of joy and peace, even if it isn’t there all the time, we should be able to have it in our lives. God bless you and keep you in his arms, in Jesus’ name, Amen!
I wish I could give you hug; a good, strong, long hug.
Thank you Emily for sharing. Beautiful and moving in its heartbreaking-ness. I was just thinking yesterday, YESTERDAY, why grief is so hard and why nightmares persist in this world. Beauty might be all around us, but sometimes it stays around. My faith, although steadfast, is Peter's faith. When Jesus asked him (when all around were grumbling and walking away) "Do you want to leave too?" Peter answers: where could we go? You alone have the words of eternal life. You are the Holy One of God. (John 6:68). I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain of losing a little one EVER, not the least in such a traumatic way. Still, I have to believe that God held that baby. I believe with all my heart that God saw your little one (Jeremiah 1:5), knew your little one (Psalm 139), and because little children hold the keys of the kingdom, (Luke 18:16) that the angel charged with watching over that sweet baby sees the face of the Father in heaven (Matthew 18:10) Prayers for strength and healing!
That's how I felt it. Not flashbacks, but there are two months of the year where I am very introverted and just want those months to be "over." There is still a place I can't bear to think about going into or visiting.
I miscarried and also turned to sourdough (unsuccessfully), and plants (slightly less unsuccessfully). Funny how we need to tend to *something*.
Thank you for writing this, I can relate on so many levels. Keep being you - you have a new follower / friend and I wish you all the best.
😎 ‘You got this.’ Take a deep breath, get a drink, go sit on the porch and relax. Sure John, like three little ones will take a momentary break simply to let Emily rest. Lol lol what was I thinking. Just remember, surviving till bed time is a win! 😬🫠🥴
Emily this is heart wrenching and beautifully written. Thank you for writing your story. When I miscarried one thing that got me thru was an Andrew Peterson album called The Burning Edge of Dawn. It put a lot of my faith doubts and sadness into words. I’m praying for you and your family.
Oh, Emily. I feel this all more than you will ever know. Continued prayers for you.