Tradwife Tutor: Folding The Fitted Sheet

We'll start with an easy one.

I kept coming up with cutesy names to these posts even though I intuitively understood that search engine optimization requires non-cutesy names. Sorry.

This is less a required skill for housekeeping and more a nifty party trick you can trot out to impress other tradwives at whatever parties tradwives have. If they were real tradwives, they’d have three-martini lunches followed by an afternoon of ignoring their offspring until it was time for cocktails, but that schedule makes it markedly harder to fold sheets.

For starters, preserve your pillowcases. Although it might seem correct to simply fold these alongside your sheets, pillowcases are nature’s organizing strategy, especially if you, like me, have children who change their sheet preference once a week. It’ll allow you to better keep track of your Paw Patrol sheets when they want the organic cotton, and provide some ease of location when some has that second glass of milk and is so deep in Dreamland, they neglect to visit the nearest bathroom.

I recommend folding your fitted sheet on a clean or moderately clean floor or large surface. I have a washable rug for these situations. It had not been washed at the time of publication.

Lay your sheet down with the “fitted” part facing up. You want the sheet curving in toward the center in a way that you can manipulate it, as well as the ability to determine which is the “long” side of the sheet and which is the “short” side of the sheet. If your kids are picky about how the pattern goes, you’ll want to select one consistent side for your “pillow” edge — I usually put the “pillow” edge on the right.

Dog assistance is not necessary, at least from the human standpoint. From the dog’s standpoint, her assistance is invaluable.

Now, take the long edge at the bottom and, flipping the two “fitted” corners, fold your sheet in half, making sure the two “fitted” corners are now one inside the other. They’re spooning.

Now, tuck the bottom side all the way into the top side, so the two “fitted” parts are spooning together all the way around. Very cozy.

At this point, the dog got bored.

Once you have your sheet folded in half the long way, we’ll do the short way. Take the spooning “fitted” corners on your right and flip them over to the left, neatly tucking them under the “fitted” corners on the left, making a whole spooning sheet-corner bunk system.

As with the long side, now tuck the “fitted” edges from the right under the “fitted” edges on the left.

I realize the quotation marks around “fitted” are probably getting annoying but I made a style choice and now I’m just going to run with it.

Now, smooth out the quarter sheet you’ve created, with the “fitted” corners on one side.

Take the side that still has one “fitted” corner and fold it downward so that the “fitted” corner is now facing downward. Smooth your sheet so that it’s as flat as possible. You may want to do some zhuzh-ing to try to get the fitted sheet as crisply square as possible if that sort of thing bothers you.

Now, fold the side with the “fitted” corner (now sort of puffy) over to the other side as if it were never “fitted” at all and smush down to flatten. Fold again and flatten, if you have only limited space in your linen closet. Feel free to fold one final time if you’re psychotic.

Now fold your flat sheet (if you can’t do this, you may require remedial tutoring, which the dog will provide).

Stack your fitted sheet on top of your flat sheet. Fold ONE pillow case and stack that on top of your sheet collection. Then slide your whole sheet collection into the other pillow case, fold the edge over and store.

Theoretically, you can now stack these on top of each other for easy use and the sheets themselves won’t get dusty just sitting on the shelf. You may have to wash the outside pillowcase but, let’s be honest, that’s hardly a lift. And not everyone cares if a few specks of dust fall on their pillowcase. Given that my storage space is a couple of rooms on either side of a modified attic, that’s the last thing I’m worried about.

If, by chance, you also store your sheets in an attic and do not appreciate bedding down with spiders, may I interest you in a vacuum sealer?

On tomorrow’s episode: seeds.